God doesn't let Telemarketers into heaven.

Oh my God, the one thing I hate is when I'm lying on my couch after a hard days work (a.k.a. sitting on my lazy ass!) keeping my peace when all of the sudden the fucking phone rings.  You get up and hurl yourself to the phone already pissed because you're missing an episode of Gilmore Girls (God do I love me some Gilmore Girls) thinking that a legitimate caller is on the other line or a desperate emergency call (ex. "Grandma fell in the big tub again knocked her head a good 'en"); but no.  When you say "hello" you get only silence, so as an instinct and for good measure you say again "hello."  Then comes your worst nightmare, a fucking salesman/saleswoman who cannot pronounce your last name and speaks like they just came fresh out of High School English class (Comprehension and Grammar, not literature).  I don't even give them the mercy of saying, "not interested" or "The Delp residents no longer live here"  I just shout "While I was fucking your mother last night she said your dick was small and you can go to hell!"  Now I know these poor individuals are just trying to make a living, but if it costs me my comfort and busy phone lines then fuck them.  It pisses me off to no end.  I'd like to take every telemarketer here in America, put them on a boat, sodomize them with mop handles to pay them back for fucking me in the ass everytime they called, then send their asses to Cuba.  Have any of your telemarketers got your thumbs cut off for looking up internet porn?  Well you will in Cuba.

Alright, enough venting for me.  For my next trick............

WHO WILL KIDNAP DAKOTA FANNING NEXT?!?!?!

Today I was sitting on my couch as usual before I go into another day in hell (Which is referred to here on Earth as "Subway.")  and I saw a comercial advertising Starz movie channels.  After watching it, a crazy realization just came to mind.  In one commercial it previewed three movies that casted Dakota Fanning playing a kidnapped little girl.  We all know who Dakota Fanning is.  She played the little girl in "I am Sam" and "Man on Fire" (which is a kick ass movie I might add).  However, I don't know what the hell is going on in Directors' minds when every movie this lil cutie is in she's plays a distressed kidnap victim.  Here are three movies that prove my point.

1. "Man on Fire" (2004): This movie is badass!  I love movies where one guy doesn't hold anything back.  Denzel Washington is gun-ho when "Pita" (Dakota Fanning) is kidnapped by a horrid gang of hombres that smell of cigarettes and burrito ass.  I hate to ruin the movie for all of you but in the end Pita is rescued but Denzel is finished off into swiss Cheese after the hombres fill him up.  He got to say his goodbye's to Pita though.  (*Tear)

2. "Trapped" (2002): Dakota Fanning plays Abigail Jennings, the daughter of a well-off anasteisiologist (spelling) father and I'm not sure what the mother does (How could I pay attention, she was played by Charlize Theron and appeared in a two peace black lingerie bikini in one scene.... God Yes).  Dakota is once again Kidnapped by the Footloose king himself, Kevin Bacon who is planning revenge on the doctor who, what he thinks, killed his little girl during surgery.  Thank God at the end of the movie lil Dakota is saved by her parents and Kevin Bacon takes a gunshot wound to the chest that added to a scalpal wound on his inner thigh.  Before Bacon's life ceases to be, he pops up yelling, "Let's Party!"  Glitter falls from the sky while Bacon and all the survivors break into one "radical" finale to the song footloose.

3. "I am Sam" (2001): I have to admit, she's just the little cutest thing in this movie.  They should clone her and give 'em away like free kittens.  (Back to manly face) Dakota actually isn't kidnapped in this movie, but she is forced from her father like in the other two.  So it counts damnit!  I'm sure everyone knows the plot line to this movie so I won't go into details.

So there you have it, 3 movies that Dakota Fanning has played a kidnapped victim all filmed before she was 10 years old.  Listen you disturbed directors, this little girl has more range than most adult actors over 20.  Ben Stiller and Hayden Christensen are two prime examples.  I don't think "Greg Focker" or "Anakin Skywalker" when I see these two guys on the big screen.  I think  fucking "Ben Stiller" and "Hayden Fucking Christensen!"  And as for you Dakota Fanning, don't you go changin' that cute lil' face you lil' cutie.